I'm the leader of the White Walkers and here's why we're taking so long
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I’m the leader of the White Walkers and here’s why we’re taking so long


Hi I’m the Night King, ruler of the White Walkers/the main guy with the blue head on HBO’s Game of Thrones.

There’s been a lot of talk going around lately about how my army is taking too long to move south. Honestly, it feels like everywhere I turn, people are saying, “The White Walkers are moving so slowly,” or, “Everyone is moving so insanely fast except for the White Walkers,” or, “Where even are the White Walkers?”

I’ll tell you where we are: way the hell up north having fun with it and making good memories.

That’s right, me and the White Walkers are nowhere near the action right now. We are so far up north it is ridiculous, and you would not freaking believe how slowly we are moving. And you know what? We have no plans to change anything, because we’re having a great time.

Look, I’m here to kill all the living people and animals I see and reanimate their corpses to help me kill more people and animals. That’s my main thing, that’s my passion. But I’m also here to have a good time and to encourage a sense of play and joy in my army, you know?

I’m a wrinkly guy who is made of ice, loves to murder, and rides a dead horse, but I’m not a monster. So before you JUMP down my THROAT, maybe take into account that we all only get one life (except my soldiers who get several lives via dark, mysterious forest magic) and NOBODY should take themselves so seriously.

I’m a wrinkly guy who is made of ice, loves to murder, and rides a dead horse, but I’m not a monster

First of all, I make sure my guys get a full 8 every night, sometimes more. I recently read a management book called “Leadership: How to Be a Superboss” and in it they say that employees are about 50 percent slower when it comes to critical thinking if they’re sleep deprived. Now, my army is dead and they technically cannot sleep or close their eyes or think critically, but it’s about making the effort as a manager. If you’re going to push me on that, we’re going to have a problem.

Also, we love birthdays here. I’m telling you, we must have about three birthdays a night, it’s crazy! And the calendar’s only getting more packed the more villages and towns we level, killing all life in our path. So, every night we do a little singing and a few short speeches for whoever’s bday it is. The long haired blue guys love it and they really get into doing funny skits about the birthday boy, or girl, or giant, or horse, or whatever.

If you think I’m gonna gather all my guys together and say, “Hey guys, no more birthdays,” then I’m sorry but you are a freaking crazy lunatic.

We are crazy about croquet!!

We are crazy about croquet!!

Image: mashable composite, hbo; shutterstock

Uh, call the the police to come and lock us up because we are guilty of being croquet freaks! Ha ha, seriously though, we play a whole-army game of croquet about four times a week. If you’ve ever played the game, you know it takes a crazy long amount of time to complete, and that’s with about eight people on GRASS!! We are playing with roughly 200,000 folks on ice, so you can imagine the amount of time we’re putting in. That being said, everyone looks forward to it and we absolutely cannot nix it from the schedule.

I suppose you’d have me “just cancel croquet” so my army can “move more than one mile in seven television seasons.” Yeah okay, I’ll go stop the croquet game and tell everyone to pack their little mallets and crap up! Lol, no way buddy!

Happy birthday, Dan!

Happy birthday, Dan!

Image: mashable composite, hbo; shutterstock

After the episode where we fought Jon Snow we all took a 12-week vacation, and if you think that’s a problem then you’re the problem.

Look, it’s not like we don’t do anything. About once every three months we have a meeting where we list our goals based on priority, and in each and every one of those meetings, “Eventually destroy the Wall and the people of Westeros” has been in the top 10. Satisfied? Feeling pretty dumb right about now? Good.

I don’t tell you how to live your life (unless I have possessed your dead body and made your eyes an icy, emotionless blue) so don’t tell me how to live mine. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make 600,000 scrambled eggs for breakfast.

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August 5, 2017
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